A few days after the funeral, the anger began to set in.
Again, I wasn’t angry at God but at the situation. I was still trying to make sense of what happened, why she didn’t tell us about the motorcycles they had and how our family’s lives were now changed forever…There was something that Matt said at the funeral to us that has stuck with me til this day. He said, “The only person who doesn’t have a problem with this is Rachel.” I remind myself of that every day because it’s so true. She doesn’t have a single worry or care in the world, but as humans we are the ones that have to deal with the pain for now.
As family and friends had to head back home, it became such an empty feeling where it was just us again where we were missing a member of the family. I had stayed at the house that whole week while family were there. When I was back at my apartment for the first night, I sat there on my couch staring at her guitar I picked up at her house. I finally took it out of the bag and strummed my hand down the strings. Immediately as I strummed, memories flashed back to us living together when we bought the guitar. She would practice in her room while I was in the other room working on my creation of Business Beware. Tears starting falling right onto the guitar and I had to take a step back.
One thing that Rachel and I loved to do was to exchange quotes, verses and music. I was always amazed at how she could match lyrics and quotes with just about anything for any occasion. Then it hit me, that’s what I needed to do with this guitar. Not only was it for me but I wanted to finish what we started, learn how to play the thing too (which is still a work in progress). That night I put the first lyric on there that was actually listed on the funeral announcement.
As I headed upstairs to go to bed, I went back to get the guitar and put it my room. I just felt better with it being in there so I put it in the corner of the room. I couldn’t sleep, my mind was in a million directions with everything. I woke up at 3 am wide awake. As I was laying there, I looked straight in front of me and it was the outline and shadow of Rachel’s hair, her stance as it was a dim glow. I knew I wasn’t seeing things because I was wide awake and even my dog was staring where I was while looking up and down. Immediately there was an instant peace and comfort that came over me that I’ve never felt before. My mind stopped racing, and she looked over at me and just smiled. I wasn’t freaked out at all, it was comforting and I immediately went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I realized she was standing right where the guitar was.
Now, I don’t think it was her but I do believe it was angel. I think the Lord sends his angels in times of need and comfort. Whatever it was, it’s exactly what I needed. I told Leah about it and two days later she stayed with me at the apartment. When she got up the next morning she immediately said, “I saw Rach last night!” She was in the downstairs room and said it was the same peaceful feeling you can’t explain and it was as if she was sitting right beside the bed smiling at her. So whatever it was, we both felt it and saw it.
That same week I had this urge to go to the beach. I remember driving home and literally felt like I couldn’t breathe but as soon as I got there, I could breathe again. Another thing that Rachel and I would do is go to the beach and take sunset photos for no reason but just simply because it was something we enjoyed doing together. As I walked up to the shore, I just stood there thinking about how beautiful the view was but Rachel’s view was so much better. As I started running down the beach, I immediately started getting upset just reliving everything that just happened and the fact that she was not at the beach with me. All of the sudden, as I was halfway down the beach my music went off and everything went silent. I literally didn’t even hear the waves or wind blowing but then heard these words quietly whisper, “I am with you.” Then my music came back on right after I heard those words. I stood there looking around as I thought maybe others heard what I did, but it was just me.
I know the Lord was speaking to me because that week I was letting the anger get to me when I definitely knew better…
It was unreal to have everyone lifting us up and praying for our family constantly. I can honestly say that you could feel the prayers each day and when you need them the most. We received constant letters and cards in the mail but one thing came at the perfect time that was from my high school guidance counselor that I always loved and admired. Her lovely name is Bebe. She sent us a daily devotional of “Bedside Blessings” with a note in the front of it:
About a week before Rachel’s accident, mom and I were sitting at breakfast and for some reason we brought up Bebe. We both had been thinking about her and said we should find her on facebook or something. Funny how things have a way of working out and there’s a reason for everything…who knew that when I was a 15 year old sitting across from Bebe that she would send something to my family in one of our darkest hours even after not talking to her for over 10 years. That’s amazing.
Here’s the first day that I read:
Yep, my mouth dropped too. I was dealing with anger and this completely put me in my place. I thought back to the beach where I heard the voice and know that He will carry my family and I through all of this even as much as it hurts. I’ve always tried to live my life for the Lord and show others what it means to be a Christian but life gets in the way and I was guilty of putting him in the co-pilot seat. I was in the entrepreneur mindset where I had to do it all and as I look back I realize that was overflowing into everything else. I read something not too long ago about how God has a way of taking things from you so you will remember that you don’t truly need anything but Him.
I told you that I will continue to share how my family and I are making it through and why things don’t just happen because there’s truly a reason and even a bigger plan we can’t see coming together. I’ll leave you with this…
I found this pinned on Rachel’s Pinterest board. I never saw it before but I think she knew others would need to see it at some point.