A few days after the funeral, the anger began to set in.

Again, I wasn’t angry at God but at the situation. I was still trying to make sense of what happened, why she didn’t tell us about the motorcycles they had and how our family’s lives were now changed forever…There was something that Matt said at the funeral to us that has stuck with me til this day. He said, “The only person who doesn’t have a problem with this is Rachel.” I remind myself of that every day because it’s so true. She doesn’t have a single worry or care in the world, but as humans we are the ones that have to deal with the pain for now.

As family and friends had to head back home, it became such an empty feeling where it was just us again where we were missing a member of the family. I had stayed at the house that whole week while family were there. When I was back at my apartment for the first night, I sat there on my couch staring at her guitar I picked up at her house. I finally took it out of the bag and strummed my hand down the strings. Immediately as I strummed, memories flashed back to us living together when we bought the guitar. She would practice in her room while I was in the other room working on my creation of Business Beware. Tears starting falling right onto the guitar and I had to take a step back.

One thing that Rachel and I loved to do was to exchange quotes, verses and music. I was always amazed at how she could match lyrics and quotes with just about anything for any occasion. Then it hit me, that’s what I needed to do with this guitar. Not only was it for me but I wanted to finish what we started, learn how to play the thing too (which is still a work in progress). That night I put the first lyric on there that was actually listed on the funeral announcement.

As I headed upstairs to go to bed, I went back to get the guitar and put it my room. I just felt better with it being in there so I put it in the corner of the room. I couldn’t sleep, my mind was in a million directions with everything. I woke up at 3 am wide awake. As I was laying there, I looked straight in front of me and it was the outline and shadow of Rachel’s hair, her stance as it was a dim glow. I knew I wasn’t seeing things because I was wide awake and even my dog was staring where I was while looking up and down. Immediately there was an instant peace and comfort that came over me that I’ve never felt before. My mind stopped racing, and she looked over at me and just smiled. I wasn’t freaked out at all, it was comforting and I immediately went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I realized she was standing right where the guitar was.

Now, I don’t think it was her but I do believe it was angel. I think the Lord sends his angels in times of need and comfort. Whatever it was, it’s exactly what I needed. I told Leah about it and two days later she stayed with me at the apartment. When she got up the next morning she immediately said, “I saw Rach last night!” She was in the downstairs room and said it was the same peaceful feeling you can’t explain and it was as if she was sitting right beside the bed smiling at her. So whatever it was, we both felt it and saw it.

That same week I had this urge to go to the beach. I remember driving home and literally felt like I couldn’t breathe but as soon as I got there, I could breathe again. Another thing that Rachel and I would do is go to the beach and take sunset photos for no reason but just simply because it was something we enjoyed doing together. As I walked up to the shore, I just stood there thinking about how beautiful the view was but Rachel’s view was so much better. As I started running down the beach, I immediately started getting upset just reliving everything that just happened and the fact that she was not at the beach with me. All of the sudden, as I was halfway down the beach my music went off and everything went silent. I literally didn’t even hear the waves or wind blowing but then heard these words quietly whisper, “I am with you.” Then my music came back on right after I heard those words. I stood there looking around as I thought maybe others heard what I did, but it was just me.

I know the Lord was speaking to me because that week I was letting the anger get to me when I definitely knew better…

It was unreal to have everyone lifting us up and praying for our family constantly. I can honestly say that you could feel the prayers each day and when you need them the most. We received constant letters and cards in the mail but one thing came at the perfect time that was from my high school guidance counselor that I always loved and admired. Her lovely name is Bebe. She sent us a daily devotional of “Bedside Blessings” with a note in the front of it:

About a week before Rachel’s accident, mom and I were sitting at breakfast and for some reason we brought up Bebe. We both had been thinking about her and said we should find her on facebook or something. Funny how things have a way of working out and there’s a reason for everything…who knew that when I was a 15 year old sitting across from Bebe that she would send something to my family in one of our darkest hours even after not talking to her for over 10 years. That’s amazing.

Here’s the first day that I read:

Yep, my mouth dropped too. I was dealing with anger and this completely put me in my place. I thought back to the beach where I heard the voice and know that He will carry my family and I through all of this even as much as it hurts. I’ve always tried to live my life for the Lord and show others what it means to be a Christian but life gets in the way and I was guilty of putting him in the co-pilot seat. I was in the entrepreneur mindset where I had to do it all and as I look back I realize that was overflowing into everything else. I read something not too long ago about how God has a way of taking things from you so you will remember that you don’t truly need anything but Him.

I told you that I will continue to share how my family and I are making it through and why things don’t just happen because there’s truly a reason and even a bigger plan we can’t see coming together. I’ll leave you with this…

I found this pinned on Rachel’s Pinterest board. I never saw it before but I think she knew others would need to see it at some point.

I’ll never forget that quiet drive to the airport to pick up Daniel as he flew in that Saturday night. Leah, Jordan and I sat out in the car in silence and in continued disbelief of what was going on around us. As we sat there, we saw families and friends hugging each other as if it was all just in complete slow motion. It made us stop and think, “It’s true, you really never know what’s going on in the person’s life that could be standing right next to you.”

As family started to pour into the house over the next few days, everything started to become more and more real. I’ll never forget seeing my Aunt Cindy walk through the door. I was standing against the wall and as she walked over to hug me I just lost it.

I’ve always heard people say how terrible it is that people have to deal with funeral arrangements while also trying to figure out what the heck just happened in your life. Let me just say, they highly underestimated that statement. When a death is unexpected, you’re trying make sense of it all, not pick out what color casket or flowers you want to be displayed. As mom, dad, Daniel and Aunt Cindy headed to Tampa to take care of the funeral arrangements, my cousins Lindsey, Sara and I got word that we had to create slideshow of photos of Rachel for the funeral. I’ll never forget looking at them and saying, “where on earth do we even start with something like this?”

We started pulling photos from around the house, photo albums and as we laid them out on the floor we all three just sat there and stared at them. As we started adding them to the computer I remember just staring at the screen thinking, “how do I edit this and what do I do?” I’ve done this many times before and couldn’t even wrap my mind around any of it. I want to take you back to when I talked about the time I saw Rachel 3 weeks before the accident. That night we had dinner, somehow we ended up talking about literally everything. Even what songs we would pick to play at our funeral (yes, no joke). As we were making the slideshow I had a flashback to that conversation and as weird as it sounds, it’s almost as if it was a sign that was there but of course I would not have seen it in that moment.

The night before the funeral I had this terrible feeling in my stomach and knew what was coming the next day. I had to face the fact that all of this was real and I had to see her laying there. At one point that night, Mom, Dad, Leah and I all crawled in the bed together and just laid there. We knew that the next day wasn’t going to be easy and we sat there sobbing while also praying for strength to make it through the next day.

Leah and I were in the backseat the next morning as we headed to the church in Tampa. We held each others hand and stared out our windows still in disbelief while also feeling this huge hole in between us. The stomach pains were getting worse as we got closer. As I stepped out of the car at the church, I saw my grandmother and sadness consumed her face and my heart broke. As the family walked up to the doors to go in, I literally felt like I was about to throw up everywhere and as the door opened, I saw her laying there in the casket at the front. It felt like the longest walk of my life as we walked up to front. As I got up to casket, I took a deep breath, stared at her beautiful photo sitting there and then looked at her. It was an immediate feeling and peace that overcame me as I said out loud when I saw her, “That’s not her.” The Lord had immediately poured an instant peace over me as I realized it was just her shell. The second thing that came to my mind was, “Oh good lord who did her hair?!” I could hear her saying to us, “Seriously, what’s up with this people?” (yes, you find humor any where you that you can during the fog). Funny thing is, that Leah and mom both thought the exact same thing.

As people started coming in the church, I saw Rachel’s friends Ashli, Taylor and Hannah walk up. Hannah’s face walking down that aisle was something I’ll never forget. I went up to her, hugged her and said, “It’s not her kiddo, just know that.” I started having that flash again where I felt like I was watching everything happen from the corner of the room as the church started to fill with people left and right. We took our places for people to view Rachel and give us hugs as they went down the line.

I’ll never forget mom and dad’s face while we were standing there. Their eyes were filled with sadness but also had this incredible strength that poured out of them. I remember seeing people constantly pile in the church and the line kept getting longer and longer. Before you knew it, 2 hours went by that we had been standing up there. As we sat down and the preacher walked up to the podium, I had this feeling like everything was a dream. A terrible dream. As the shut the casket I wanted to scream, “Wait! This isn’t right and please wake me up!”

Our friend Matt Beach gave a speech while sharing stories of when Rachel worked for him at one point at Chick-fil-A. He shared the story “everything you do matters.” It just reiterates that we are all here for a reason and God put us here according to His ultimate plan. What he shared was perfect and it really hit me between the eyes in that moment as I’m sure it did with many people in that room. He ended the story with the song, “It is Well with My Soul.”

After the song, it was dad’s turn to speak. I’ll never forget watching him walk up there and as he turned to face the crowd you could see the pain in his eyes. The Lord definitely had his hand on him as he spoke with such grace and truth through his words. I’ve always been proud and had a lot of respect for him but nothing could compare to watching him speak the way he did in the darkest moment of our lives. He ended with saying, “I truly understand what the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ means now. I know 100% that my daughter was saved and is sitting there with Jesus right at this very moment.”

As dad walked away, it was my turn to speak. Leah at first didn’t want to go up there but I reached out my hand to her and she grabbed it to walk up there with me. As we turned to look out to the crowd, my breath was taken away from seeing the church completely filled as people were even lining the walls and stretched all the way out into the parking lot. I always knew that people loved Rachel but it completely warmed your heart to see all of these new and old faces that were there that day.

Our cousins and family friends grabbed her casket and headed out of the church. As we followed behind and as I passed everyone I could see the sadness in their eyes as we walked by. As our family got into the car, all we could do was stare at that car in front of us where Rachel was. As we started to drive off, I’ll never forget just staring at that casket and thinking, “This isn’t real, what on earth are we doing here?!” My second thought is that Rachel was giggling at the fact that we were all following her as she was at the front of the line… (if you know Rach, it’s oh so true!) 

As we made our way to sit under the tent, they handed us the flowers to lay on her casket. I had an immediate flash to a few years before when our grandfather passed away. I was sitting beside Rach and she leaned over to me as we got the flower and said, “Paw Paw is totally not going to like this color flower…” We both laughed with tears in our eyes and made our way to place the flower on his casket. Now I’m having to place a this on hers as I flashed back to reality.

I remember looking over at mom and dad as strength still poured from them as they sat there in silence. There was a small breeze and the sun was coming through just right as I saw the tears roll down their cheeks as our cousins laid the flowers first on the casket. As we made our way to lay the flowers, all four of us decided to lay them at the same time. As we placed them there, that’s when it hit me that she’s really gone. We just went from 5 to 4 in the blink of an eye.

As people started to make their way to their cars after it was over, Dad stayed back with a few others and watched them place the casket in the ground. I was about 30 ft away when I decided to turn around and watch. I was standing there and felt two hands grab mine. It was my cousin Lindsey and Sara who stood there with me as we watched from a distance.

After watching the casket be lowered into the ground, I finally understood why some people feel like they have to jump in the grave after their loved ones. No, not because of your unreal pain and sadness but because you don’t have the comfort of the Lord and knowing where your loved one is. I knew in that moment that Rachel was not here and that I didn’t have any ties to this grave site. That might sound weird to you but I promise, if you’re a believer then you know exactly what I mean.

As terrible and sad as that day was, I couldn’t help but be so proud of my sister and who she was because it was evident how loved she truly was by everyone. We headed to her house to be around everyone but in all truth we didn’t feel like being around everyone at that moment. Just three weeks before, I had stayed in this house and we were laughing as we walked up the stairs. As I walked into her room with her close friends, I remember everything was left as it was and it smelt just like her. None of it felt right, it was slow motion and felt like a complete dream to be honest with you. We didn’t stay but 45 minutes which felt like a lifetime. As we walked out to leave through the garage, I saw her guitar sitting there and it hit me that I needed it. We bought it together a few years before when we lived together. We were determined to learn how to play and then one of us would get a banjo to add in there. (I’ll share what I did with the guitar later…)

As we drove home, I could feel the anger starting to come over me and start asking the question of “why did this happen?” I wasn’t angry at God, I was angry at the situation.

That night I read these two verses and it’s exactly what I needed to hear:

“You may face illness, family crisis, death or personal defeat, yet when you put your complete faith in God you have done His will.” Mark 10:46-52

“Trust completely. That trust will erase fear and bring faith. And that faith will pave the way for Jesus to do His best work.” Luke 5:18-20

I posted this the day after the funeral. I wanted people to see this and see just how amazing that laugh of hers was. I sat there in the floor of my room and watched it 5 times while laughing and crying. Enjoy. And yes, Rachel is loving the fact that I’m taking one for the team right now with sharing this…

If you have questions and want to know how my family and I are making it, don’t hesitate to contact me. The truth that you need to know is that the ONLY way to make it through the storm and know that you will see your loved ones again is through Jesus. I’ve never been afraid to share my faith but even more so now I know the time is now to truly open up and share with others.

This is just the beginning of what our family went through but the worst part of the storm was over. And to be truthful, that was the easy part for me compared to what was to come. Stay tuned.

I remember being 12 hours away from the family at college and always wondering if I was going to get one of those terrible phone calls that something has happened. I think everyone has thoughts of that at some point with their own family but we just don’t always talk about it.

I never got that phone call in college but little did I know that it would come a few years later…

I wrote about three weeks before the accident when I went to see Rachel but I also want to tell you something else that I felt exactly one week before I got the phone call. I went to sushi with a group of friends that Friday night and that day I heard about a young boy by the name of Trey passing away from pancreatic cancer in my hometown of Memphis. His story was so inspiring and the way his family carried themselves just hit me hard that week. So hard, that Rachel and I had come up with an idea to raise money for his family to help in some way with the doctor bills. After dinner, my friend Sarah says to me, “Is something wrong and are you okay?” I stood there and thought she was crazy for asking me that but to be honest I was definitely off and it was just this weird gut feeling that I still can’t fully explain. Now I know, and like I said in the last post – I think we might feel things but we just can’t understand because we’re human. So I felt it, I just didn’t know what it was until one week from that night.

July 21st, 2012 – 12:30 am

I had gone to bed at 12 am and I remember hearing my dad calling me and by the time I realized it, I missed his call. I sat there for a second and thought, “Why on earth is he calling me at 12:30 in the morning?” As it hit me that something was wrong, he called a second time. I could feel my heart sinking into my stomach before I even answered the phone. When I answered I immediately said to dad, “What’s wrong?”

He said, “There’s been an accident. Rachel was on a motorcycle and she’s not in great shape.” It took me a second to swallow that sentence and then I replied with, “What motorcycle?” (Yes, we had no clue she had a motorcycle for 3 months). You could tell in dad’s voice that it was really bad and he quietly says, “Mom and I are headed to Tampa, we will let you know what we hear…” After I got off the phone, I literally had that terrible feeling in my stomach and thought to myself, “She’s gone.” It’s like I already knew…

Exactly 10 minutes later, dad calls back and as I answered the phone there was a long pause followed with, “She’s gone.” I sat there and I could hear what he was saying but could not process it and said to him, “What does that mean?” He just repeated it saying “She’s gone.” I was in such shock that I had to tell him I needed to get off the phone to process it.

I dropped the phone and fell to my knees and then I literally felt like I was in the corner of my room watching myself on my knees crying like a baby. In the midst of crying, it hit me and a small ounce of peace came over me knowing exactly where she’s at. It was enough to calm me and realize that I needed/wanted to head to Tampa. I called a friend and they immediately headed over to go with me to the hospital. I got another call from dad and they were there at the hospital and he calmly said, “Ash, you don’t need to come here. We need to call Leah and ya’ll can just meet us at the house.” As hard as that was to swallow, I knew he was right. They called Leah and as she headed down to the house, she called me and my heart broke when I heard her voice as she just cried on the phone. I always can find at least something to say in most situations but I couldn’t even find the words as I still sat there in shock. All I could say to her was, “I just don’t even know…”

3:00 am 

I headed down to the house down the quiet road of 41 and just still in disbelief that something like this could happen. I’ve traveled this road everyday but this time it was completely different. I was halfway to the house and I got a text from my Aunt Cindy that said, “I love you so much darlin, are you okay?” And it was another realization that it was real.

As I got to the house, I sat there for a second in the driveway and then saw mom come of out the house. As I got out of my car, (telling myself to be strong for them) I saw mom’s face and it broke my heart as she ran up and grabbed me. We both just sobbed. Dad walked out with a face and walk that I’ve never seen before and walked over to my car, putting his head on the hood and just started sobbing. Again, I felt like I was standing across the way just watching everything go on around us.

Leah and Jordan showed up soon after and I’ll never forget the look on Leah’s face, just another fact that it was real. We all just sat there in disbelief and continued to sob.

4:00 am 

We all finally attempted to go to bed. I couldn’t sleep because the room I was in had photos of the three of us that I couldn’t stop staring at. I knew that I had to call people and let them know what happened. I thought about her friends and how I was going to tell them, how was I going to be strong for other family members, what happens next and is this really real? 

I started texting people to let them know before they just found out through facebook etc. I fell asleep for about an hour and my cousin Lindsey called me at 7 am and all we could do is cry as she said to me, “We’re getting down there asap, I love you.” I got up and knew I had to make some phone calls. All of us were not talking, we couldn’t sit still and it was as if we were just walking into walls. I walked outside and heard dad on the phone, I called my grandmother and it took everything in her to say 3 words. My heart broke again. I know the Lord gave me some special strength that day because something came over me and I knew I had to step up for mom and dad right now. I started calling Rachel’s friends and I’ll never forget texting one of her best friends Taylor and she didn’t recognize my number so she picked up the phone and called me. As soon as I answered the phone and said, “Hey kiddo,” she just lost it and was packing a bag to catch a flight.

After people started to find out what happened, facebook was blowing up with people reaching out and trying to find out more information. It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to fill everyone in, the only thing I could do was post this:

I was headed to go get clothes from my place to bring back down to the house and as I walked out of the house, I saw mom and dad’s faces. Once again, my heart broke. I got in my car, called Aunt Cindy and filled her in and she says, “What do I need to do?? Just tell me.” I said, “Get down here as soon as you can, Mom needs you.” I called our family friend Daniel in TN and he answered the phone, “Hey baby girl, tell me what I need to do.”

“I need you to get down here, dad needs you.” They both hopped on a plane and were down there the next day. As I walked into my apartment, I sat on my stairs and just cried to let it out while nobody was around. As I sat there, everything went silent and it felt as if a hand was on my shoulder that was an immediate warm, peaceful and comforting feeling that I can’t fully explain. You know those photos you see of someone sitting and there’s an angel behind them with their hand on their shoulder? That’s what I picture and I wouldn’t doubt it if one was there with me in that moment because I felt it.

I also had to hear her voice. I pulled out my phone and went to all the hey tell (iphone app) messages we had back and forth to each other. The very first one I listened to was this:

Rachel’s Hey Tell – Sunshine

All I could do is laugh and cry at the same time. That was how we were with each other, just goofy and always laughing. I needed that even as tough as it was to hear it, I needed that.

So why am I telling you about all of this and how can I talk about it? Through all of this I have realized what a real storm feels like to go through and not just little things we call “storms” these days, this was a real storm. I saw my family’s lives shake to the core and it takes me back to the quote I once heard from someone that said, “Unshakable faith is faith that has been shaken.” I want you to see the raw glimpse of that terrible night into how we got to where we are now, 7 months later. I’ve had numerous people ask me about different things that happened, how I felt and why I am open about everything. It’s simply because I realize that bad things happen all around us and that everyone has something they’re dealing with in their life that can be a storm they are trying to overcome. My goal is help others understand who have yet to go through something like this or comfort those going through it in some way to make them realize that it’s going to be okay. I’ve always believed in being honest and upfront even with the business, so I wanted to do the exact same thing with all of this. I also know Rach would want me to tell her story and like I said before, the things we’ve found of hers over the last months just show you that we’re all here for a reason, period.

I plan on sharing this whole process so stay tuned for more. This was just the beginning of the storm… 

I just wrote about turning 30 last week and on the 21st, it marked 7 months since we lost my sister Rachel. So crossing over into the 30’s was one thing but swallowing the fact that my middle sister is not here to celebrate with me just ripped me apart.

I woke up that morning and it hit me, “Has it seriously been 7 months since I have spoken to Rach?” That’s all I could think about all day.

I’ve been going back and forth about writing about what happened, what I felt, how our family got through the storm and I haven’t been ready until now. I’ve found things of Rachel’s over the course of the 7 months that show just how strong her faith was and that everything really does happen for a reason. I also read this blog post today by Christy Simmons who lost her son two weeks ago. My heart broke as I read the post but knew exactly how she felt and her words are exactly what comes out of my mom’s mouth every day since Rachel’s accident.

I’ve thought about what to say and so many things come to mind that I will just have to write a ton of posts to explain everything. I stumbled across Christy’s blog and hopefully whoever stumbles across this post or upcoming posts can find some comfort and/or wisdom from what my family and I have been through.

3 Weeks Before

I want to start with 3 weeks before Rachel passed away. Something was telling me to call her and go see her for the weekend. She was originally going to Orlando but decided to stay in Tampa and let me come crash her weekend. We planned to go get dinner, see a movie, do some shopping and kick back like we liked to do on the weekends. Leah (my youngest sister) must have felt the same thing I was feeling because she called both Rach and I that week for no reason except to just say she loves us (still have the voicemail on my phone). We started the night with a sushi dinner and we talked about seeing a movie but we both agreed we just wanted to go in the pub and grab a drink instead. We grabbed a cider and sat there talking about the trips we’ve been on, trips we wanted to take, funny stories from childhood and to be honest it was the perfect conversation.

Rach and I getting ready to dive into some sushi.

We made our way to the mall and started shopping, well more of entertainment shopping…

Always goofing off at every chance we could.

We headed home, she played some ridiculous song that we danced to in the car while laughing so hard we almost peed. I had brought up a mattress for her guest bedroom but we didn’t feel like putting it together so we ended up sleeping in her bed. We laughed and shared more stories until we feel asleep. It was the perfect weekend. I left that Saturday evening and gave her a huge hug before driving away. She stood there and watched me as I drove away just waving like the big goof ball that she was.

3 weeks later, I got a phone call that changed mine and my family’s life forever. I won’t go into detail about that yet, I’ll save it for another post BUT my main reason in telling you this story is simple. When something is telling you to do something, don’t ignore it. I now know the Lord was giving me the nudge to go see her, even Leah would tell you the same thing. When you think about someone and want to call, call. When you think about sending a text just to say hi, send the text. Leah and I said this at the funeral and constantly tell others to hug people you love every chance you get. I use to tell people that life is short because it’s so easy to say it but now I can honestly say life is way too short. Many ask me why I am able to talk about this after just 7 months or even a few weeks after but I got through it because God carried my family and I through it all (as He still is). When you hear people say that they literally can feel the grace being poured over them, we all felt that even the day of the funeral. I’m sure many think it was all a big blur for me and sure there were some foggy times but I can remember every minute of it all and tell you exactly what I felt in that moment.

I’ve seen the way that the Lord is using our family and Rachel’s story with those around us, it’s evident and clear He has a master plan that we can’t see. I want to share Rachel’s story because it’s a good one and I know that even if one person benefits from something that I say, it’s worth it.

Know this, God is good.

More to come very soon… and if you have lost someone and need to chat then by all means don’t hesitate to contact me.

P.S. here’s something that will make your day and that I can totally relate to through this: Sister writes her brother a note and sends it to heaven with balloons.